Good morning, beautiful.
Not only did I not drag my ass to the gym at o’dark thirty today, I managed to sleep through my alarm and woke up late. At least it’s not a Monday. I can handle starting Wednesday like that, but not a Monday. The week is half way over, so f it right? But the amazing thing about crazy bed hair that happens to be long, I can just curl it and look like a gave a fuck this morning. Like I’ve actually been up for hours making sticky buns or something domesticated, with my amazing hair. Winning. At. Life.
So in today’s gossip news, apparently Janet Jackson is prego at the ripe age of 49. Is 49 the new 29 now? So she will be 50 when the little bundle of joy arrives. I think my own grandmother was in her 40s when I was born… I can’t decide whether this is encouraging news or just downright depressing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for her. Not judging her, it’s only made me reflective… Being that I’m 35 (the new 25, right?), it’s hopeful that I have at least another 10 years … but then I’m also going to be collecting social security (if it even exists), when my kid is going off to college… Hmmmm. I don’t know about all that. I have come to the slow realization that I’m tired of guys feeling like they are “wasting” my time. After three relationships that lasted the span of over 15 years, that ended up not amounting to anything other than, do you want the towels or the dishes? Meeting new guys… after we go on a few dates, just because they don’t want kids, some guys feel that we should just stop pursuing whatever. Don’t get me wrong, I have my picky standards and there are some things I’m not willing to fold on. You never know what may happen or what the future holds. I think I’d rather date someone who is unsure of what they want or the future, than someone who says Yes, I want that, all THAT with a cherry on top. But come to find out, they don’t know what they want, they have changed their minds or it was all a gargantuan lie. Because, that happened. Cough, JT. Yes, I do want kids and marriage. And a dog. No cats, thanks. I want the whole package tied up with a pretty ribbon. Maybe it’s a dream, but I have to keep hoping for the dream. Don’t ever settle for less.
Having said that, there also exists a fine line of not settling, holding or compromising your standards, and being happy with what you got. No matter what, you have to be happy with yourself and your life. You’re all you’ve got. No regrets. Me, myself, and I, as that stupid song says that is permanently stuck on repeat in my brain… no thanks to Joe for providing the soundtrack to end our relationship… I should text him that. Ha, kidding I’m not a psycho (usually). Maybe it’s selfish but whatever. Being that, I work for a law firm that specializes in family law…. I see the ugly everyday. I lived the ugly from my parents divorce, and am still dealing with the repercussions of their inability to be mature and civil towards one another, even thirty years later after their divorce. I don’t want the ugly. I’m admittedly biased. I don’t want a baby daddy with a parenting plan and child support orders and whatever else may be. JT had a kid from a former marriage. Granted, his baby mama is probably an extreme case and not comparable to most situations… The lady was a hot mess and her kid was a sad hot mess in the making, and I was stuck in the middle of it all. I can say that I gave it my 110% effort. I really did. But I don’t want the BS. I know it’s not always a bad situation, some people can co-parent and make it work, and they should be applauded. Like my bestie, she makes it all work, she’s an amazing mom and kills at life (albeit a little busy, a little tired at times, but understandably). It can be an incredibly hard situation sometimes. But I don’t know if I am that brave and I’ll be the first to admit it. I want to find happy, to me that’s all that matters. If I find someone and we have the happy and some kids come out of it, great. But having kids is not the end all, be all to my existence. Haha, especially starting out at age 50, but then again didn’t Janet marry a billionaire so she probably has a 100 doctors watching over her geriatric pregnancy…
I want to look back on my life and know that I was happy, not have the feeling that I missed out on something and wasted my time. Because I don’t think I have missed out and the day that I do feel like it was wasted, would be a sad day. I have so many people, memories to be grateful for. The best is yet to come, but it won’t be wasted. Indeed.