Hello, my pretties.
The past week has been “interesting” to say the least… I’ve had a lot of stuff to take in and ponder and not want to just say f it all and become a hermit.
Rocked to my core, eyes opened, things realized/connected… Things were for sure not what I thought they were, even more so than before. Turns out JT was married the entire time I knew him as in dated/lived together/broke up/dated again/lived together again/broke up again/moved out for the final time/he tried to be my “best friend”/told him to find another friend/not talking … Looking back, we really did have a tumultuous relationship. It didn’t seem like it when I was in it, the seas seemed calm, perfect almost… But with time, that beautifully clear hindsight that eventually comes, it was anything but calm or perfect. He had a way of controlling things more than I realized, the facade was calm but it was anything but. I moved seven times in 2.5 years, because of him. I had to deal with his homebody boring ass (I like to be home too, but hell you gotta leave the house SOMETIMES), devil child, and cray baby mama (i.e. WIFE) and it’s no wonder she was so psycho… I was dating/living with her husband. No matter if they were separated or whatever, I mean she was whoring around herself… but still… Husband and wife. I never would have dated him knowing he was not divorced. I’m not that person, that side girlfriend. I don’t want the drama. I don’t believe in doing that when you’re married, whatever the situation. Either be married or get divorced, don’t bring someone else into the situation and lie to them, not give them a chance to make a choice whether they want to be involved in that.
I think when I was with JT I thought that maybe he did know best, for whatever reasons and I didn’t listen to my gut instincts OR anyone else in my life that did not like him and could see it was all wrong. Ironically, he always complained that I never listened. I stopped telling people things because a) I subconsciously didn’t want to say things out loud because then my thoughts/instincts would become real, b) friends/family would hate him more, c) I started to realize that I didn’t want this life I had built with him, that I didn’t recognize myself anymore but I wasn’t quite sure how I felt or how to get out. Which is all very strange because I’ve always been an independent, stubborn sort of person so I don’t usually let others take the reign. But I did with him, for whatever unknown reason. I don’t think I’ll ever fully know why. And then it turns out that he was married the whole time and just filed for divorce in January. When we broke up in November, they went for, I GUESS, a last ditch effort to save their marriage. I guess? I have no clue. He knows that I know about the divorce, since I sent an angry email on the subject when I found out. I didn’t want him to respond. I just wanted him to know that he didn’t fool me after all. You just can’t do that to people. Be that dishonest… Karma will get him someday. There’s not much that will make me angry… But if you lie to me and treat me like I am stupid, watch the F*CK out. And it was more than one lie, it was daily… And to lie about being married/divorced, that’s like the biggest thing you could lie about… especially when you’re in a relationship with someone who you tell you want to marry someday. Mind blown. But thankin’ my lucky stars to have that dick out of my life. For good. Also, ironic… Joe always wondered what would piss me off, where my line was. Ha, he missed the fireworks show.
So I met Joe, after JT… And there were a couple issues but I was willing to deal/fight through those because it felt so right, so real with him. We were on the same level, I haven’t connected with someone like that for literally, years. More real than it ever felt with JT. I would even go as far to say it was more real than 7 year (he will be nameless, just know him as 7 year… there’s nuff said in the name 7 year, I think you get the idea…). Although, 7 year and I met when I was 22 so different times, we were young. But anyhoo, Joe. Things were awesome with Joe. We just fit, as he used to say. Used to. Then he ended things and I just can’t get him out of my head. He was afraid of what might happen and didn’t want to face it, so he let go. I know that I need to let go. Slowly but surely, I am. It’s been 2 weeks since I last texted him… His number has been deleted from my phone, and I know where to get it but I’m not going there. I do wonder if some day, he will reappear when timing is better or he’s sorted things out in his head. He’s finally come to the realization, that I’m amazing and he wants to fight for me. Fairy tales and dreams, unicorns and rainbows, I know I know I know… I am not saying, I am waiting for that to happen or if that someday happens, if I’ll want him back. But it could happen, that’s all I’m sayin’. Just makes me wonder, and hope. But I am letting go for now.
All these ups and downs with love. It’s enough to drive someone to drink boxed wine, get a cat and become celibate for LIFE. But as I said to Joe, I would rather have the ups and downs on that crazy roller coaster we call life, than the flat nothingness of an existence.
I read something that Khloe Kardashian posted the other day. Yes, I’m about to quote Khloe. But she really is the best Kardashian, lol. It really rings true to my CORE.
“Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” Letting go with love takes great strength. We have to learn to stop taking on peoples problems as if they are our own. Loving people does not mean we have to carry their burdens and confusions on our back. Sadly, You can only express your opinion on a situation. You can’t want their life more than they do. This is in fact their life to figure out on their own and in their own time. I do believe in timing. I do believe timing is everything. You forcing your beliefs and dreams down ones throat is only going to cause resentment and possibly manifest deeper issues. Possibly to the point of no return. “People say time heals all wounds… I say time heals wounds but scars are left to remind you what you have been through and what you survived.” Stop shattering your own heart by trying to make a relationship work that clearly isn’t meant to work. We have to stop trying to repaint people’s colors. We have to learn to believe the love we AREN’T given. You can’t love someone into loving you. (God I wish it were that easy) You can’t force someone to be loyal, kind, understanding. You can’t force someone to be the person you need them to be. Even if it’s for their own good!! Sometimes the person you want most is the person you’re best without. You have to understand… some things ARE supposed to happen in your life, but they just are NOT meant to be. Damn… It took me so many years to understand that. Don’t lose yourself by trying to fix what’s meant to stay broken. God always has a plan even if we can’t understand it (or don’t want to understand it) Even in the darkest of places… Our Lord sees His vision. We might not understand it at the moment but I promise you, your future will always bring understanding and clarity of why things didn’t work out. Don’t put your happiness on hold for someone who isn’t holding on to you. “A Girl once told me… Be careful when trying to fix a broken person. For you may cut yourself on their shattered pieces.”
TRUTH. Yes, yes and yaaaaassssss.
“Have enough courage to trust love one more time, and always one more time.”
– Maya Angelou