It’s been awhile since I last posted anything. Today was one of those days that really make you wonder. Like it’s the last little bit in the road before that oh so memorable fork. You know something may happen but you’re not quite sure if it will be good, bad or just plain ugly. But I didn’t get this far in life backing away from the tough.
There have been a couple of other guys sprinkled in over the last couple months. Nothing substantial. Unless you count the dude that I went out with 4 times over the course of 2 weeks, who broke up with me via text while I was on vacation in Hawaii. I was literally sitting by the pool, drunk when I got his text. Talk about timing. Anyway, I guess I had a boyfriend who felt the need to tell me he was breaking up with me, liked me but didn’t love me and didn’t want to ruin my vacation. After two weeks of hey let’s see where this goes, I kinda like you, hey I’m going on a 2 week vacation, aloha see you later. So, there was that… Not to mention, my best of guy friends is in a relationship with a cheater and propositioned me while stuck on a tropical island with him for another FIVE days. If anything, another betrayal. He is supposed to be my good friend, but turns out he is just like. All. The. Other. Assholes. And then another past dude, comes back in my life, asks for a second chance. I finally agree, say but no drama, no BS… So it’s been nothing but drama every fucking day and he manages to annoy me on the Daily. Which I gotta hand it to him, is pretty impressive. Not many can do that.
So I’ve been in Hawaii on what was supposed to be an amazing vacation, but sort of wasn’t. Sadly. After the last few months, I wanted to go and find my center, just be me, spend some time with good friends, just stop thinking for awhile. My friend betrayed me. I got dumped, unbeknownst to me. I went on a death hike that had me more terrified and feeling alone, than I have ever felt in my entire life. Not even an exaggeration. I’ve never been more thankful to make it to the bottom of a hike, than this time. If anything, I also feel really proud that I did do it on my own. I didn’t think I had it in me and almost really hurt myself, but I proved to myself that I am strong. i am brave. That is one upside for the trip. And I got to spend some much needed time with my bestie. God I wish she lived down the street, and I could just go over for a glass of wine. Someday.
So let’s fast forward to last night when JOE peeped on my dating profile. And he knows that I can see that shit. The thing about him, is almost everything he does is thought out, methodical in a sense. So I freaked out. Because I had a feeling that it could mean something else. I knew there was a reason. Whether good or bad. Something. Well it didn’t take long. Joe texted me this morning with “Hello” So there’s that. And now we are meeting tomorrow night. So I’ve been a fucking mess all day. I don’t know what is going to happen. I want to go in with absolutely the lowest of expectations and as much as I say that, my hopes are up. I just do not know what will happen. Maybe nothing. Maybe it’s a new chapter. Maybe it’s the end of our story. Fitting because we are meeting at a coffee shop in a bookstore, his choice. Very fitting. Page turner indeed. So now my head is a FUCKING disaster. I want him back. I have been wanting him back. I don’t want to fuck this up. And don’t get me wrong. He did this. He has ignored me. He walked away. But I know that there is something there. And I know I deserve better. I know he is action packed with issues. Maybe you can never go back. Maybe you can. I have no fucking clue. As much as my friends don’t understand it. I can’t explain it. There is something. I just don’t know what. It’s just after all this time, why now. What does he have to gain by initiating contact, if he wants nothing to do with me. This is what I have been hoping for, just a chance to talk about what happened and go from there. And now he’s being responsive. Meeting me. Still no clue. No expectations. No hopes. But then the highest expectations. And the highest hopes. The flip will fuck you. Now is the time to be patient. As much as I wanted to even talk to him again, face to face. I did not think it would ever happen. This was going to be another sad chapter. But maybe there’s a new book. Or a new horror story. I guess I’ll know tomorrow. Going to be tortured until then.