The Feels

 

Good morning, Beautiful.

Homework assignment:  Watch above video for reference.

“If you actually want a real relationship, you have to stop playing games.”

HA.  Ain’t that the fucking truth?  Take the current situation.  So last week, Joe and I met up as planned and we talked.  Which is what I’ve been wanting.  The chance to talk, see if there is still a sliver of hope there.  It was like old times.  Old times as in three months ago, for the month that we did date.  Ok, so not technically, “old times.”  But you get the gist.  Moving on… So we talked and the spark was still there.  The laughs were there.  The connection.  To boil it down… because I was accepting of his issue, that mind fucked him from day number one, which in turn led to the other problem.  So either way, we were screwed from the beginning.  But what happened next was unexpected because he caught the feels and I caught the feels and we both wanted more instantly, which also scared him away.  He needed time after things ended the way they did, to step back, process and evaluate.  I respect that.  I tend to jump in, both feet first, and just go for it.  It’s hard for me to half ass something or not put all my eggs into one basket, as my bestie constantly reminds me NOT to do (as much as I say I listen, I don’t… but I reallllllly do try.  Swear).  A little timidness is perfectly fine.  So to wrap things up, basically… we both want to see where things go, we both know there is something not to be ignored.  That amazing connection that you seek and rarely find with anyone (especially in today’s minefield of netflix and chillin, oh right, that’s called dating now)… It is there and there’s no denying it.  He said he doesn’t want me to wait for him.  I haven’t decided what that actually means in the bigger picture… The way we left it last week, we were going to go slowly, do something this coming weekend, and just see what happens.  Fast forward to today, and we have had a few instances of bantering texts.  It’s Thursday and the weekend is pretty much starting tomorrow.  And now I am facing the conundrum, do I text him about this weekend or wait for him?  Do I have the faith that he is going to chase me?  And if he doesn’t chase me, do I do the work?  And if I do that, does that appear needy or over eager?  Or just right?  Or does this mean this how things will go?  Effort all on my side?  So many questions.  So many double edged swords to dodge.  I just wish things were simple.  But then, things are simple.  We are taking it slow.  But because I never do that, I don’t know how to take things thissssss slow to the point of almost stagnation.  I figure, we will make plans, hang out, and then I can have a better judge of where things are going, if anywhere.  But as of this moment, I have no fucking barometer on the situation.  On the flip side, I am good.  Good, as in… I am doing me.  And about fucking time.  No dudes that I have half ass feelings for constantly texting me (or not texting) and either mind fucking me, annoying me, or bringing out my inner bitch.  Granted, Joe is a dude in the wings.  But I know he’s there.  He wouldn’t be if he didn’t want to be, and I know that now.  Last week would have been an utter waste of time, if he did not want to be.  He even said so.  And if he did not want to continue the charade, he would tell me.  Right.  Right???  So here I am, I have caught the feels.  I know he has the feels.  I want to human with him.  Y’know, texting, talking, taking part in each other’s lives.  You can do that right, and still move slowly.  Right?  Everyone needs social interaction right?  So it’s hard talking to him as much as I talk to my mother.  Which is not. I don’t want to play the game, but then again there is ALWAYS a game to be played, even when you have that sparkly ring on your finger.  I just don’t know which game to play.  I want to come off as interested (which I am positive he knows), not nonchalant about things…  but then not over eager beaver or worse, stage 5 clinger.  “I’m sick of guys saying that girls are crazy and clingy because they TEXT YOU WHEN THEY LIKE YOU.”  The grey area is what makes me go insane.  Slowly.  There is no clear boundary but one does exist.  Oh it’s there for sure.  I know that he responds well to mystery and the pursuit.  I am lacking in patience when it comes to that.  If I want something, I go get it.  There’s no waiting around.  Pffft.  Who has time for waiting.  Oh right.  I am the one who proposed we take it slowly in the first place.  FUCK.  I hate this.  But then again, I am good.  I am doing me.  Finally.

 

As Nicole says.  “You’re hungry, you eat.”  Seems pretty fucking logical to me.  Maybe I will just text him later.  Fuck.  IDFK.

 

 

 

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