the noble fir


It’s been 21 days since Joe and I talked at his house.  16 days since I dumped E. 15 days with my kitten faces.  7 long days since I messaged Joe, asking to just be friends.  No word from Joe.  Spotted E on a date on Friday night.  Played Tinder and matched with a bartender I flirted with a couple of weeks ago.

Current statistics:

  • Chance of talking to Joe again:  21.73%
  • Confirmation of making the right choice in letting E go:  100%
  • Wanting a good ole f buddy:  66% some days, 12% other days
  • Regrets for adopting the kitties:  0%

This weekend was a good weekend.  Even with the E sighting, which wasn’t even really a thing.  I am sure he saw me before I saw him, but it’s whatever.  Seeing him didn’t make me feel any sort of longing or regret.  I felt actually… nothing.  I found it ironic he was on a date somewhere he always claimed to dislike when we went there and it was also the scene of our first date.  I’ve also come to the conclusion that this town is smaller than I imagined.

I went out with a friend last night on a reconnaisance mission for tinder bartender boy.  It’s strange, M and I have only known each other about 4 months, yet I feel like I’ve known her for forever.  We also grew up in the same town and went to the same high school, but we didn’t actually meet until this summer, 900 miles away from home.  We just get each other and even though she is a new friend, it doesn’t feel that way at all.  The hard part is hanging out with her, is like cheating on our mutual friend.  Which by the way, is so high school.  It’s like are we 30 something, or 16 again?  We practically have to hide when we hang out.  Until we slip and post a picture on social media.  Because that happened and now there is weirdness.  So anyway, we had flirted with a couple of bartenders a couple weeks ago, at The Noble Fir.  Randomly, I matched with one of them yesterday.  The world of Tinder seems to be smaller than this town that I run into my growing pond of exes.  So obviously, we went to the bar to flirt with the same bartenders.  Nothing happened, he was busy most of the night (avoiding or not avoiding me, that’s debatable).  I haven’t heard from him today.  I don’t even want a boyfriend in any form right now.  But some hot booty would be fun.  I wouldn’t kick him out of my bed, is all I’m sayin’.

The kit kats have been good.  I definitely don’t feel as lonely with them snuggling by my side.  This is a good thing for me.  I’ve been wanting a kitty since my last cat disappeared a few years ago.  I had Kitty for nine years and then tragically, she never came home.  I then adopted a kitten off of craigslist, met the guy at a Jack in the Box on 99 in Seattle.  Real respectable like.  Thirty bucks and the little fucker was mine.  He was the spawn of SATAN.  Literally.  I even had his little three month old balls chopped off in hopes of “calming” him a little.  It did not work.  So he had to go.  Then I adoped a 3 year old cat.  She was the sweetest cat, so long that I never left home.  She had lived with a retired lady who died and then she was left at the shelter.  She had major separation anxiety and when she started pissing on my bed and then my couch… Her days were numbered.  With the unconventional advice of a friend, I even entertained putting foil on my furniture to keep her from peeing on the furniture.  I remember one night I came home and just went straight to bed.  I didn’t have the energy to move the foil and put it back.  That lasted for about a month until someone asked me how it was going.  Oh it’s going great, except I am now living with foil on my furniture like a crazy person.  I would have varying visions of going on vacation or getting in a car accident, a friend or family member went to my apartment to feed the cat or what not, I would then have to explain why I had pieces of foil throughout my apartment.  Or worse, if I dared to bring a guy over… It wasn’t a good look.  It was crazy cat lady at a whole new level.  Sadly, I eventually had to give her back to the rescue place in hopes that they could find her a new owner who was always home.  Broke my heart to give her up but ultimately she wasn’t happy and you can’t train a cat, like a dog.  No they are vindictive little shits.  So I decided to dive back into the world of cat ownership, and I adopted not one kitten, but two.  I had been wanting a kitten for awhile.  I broke up with E, then started looking for cats to adopt within the hour.  Less than a day later, I had found and adopted my two ginger fur babies.  I’m sure a psychiatrist would say something about my choice of cat colors but whatever.  They are my adorable little gingers.  Jane and Lizzie.  I named them after the Bennet sisters in Pride and Prejudice.  Jane Austen is one of my favorite authors.  I cannot tell you how many times I’ve read the book or watched the movie.  And not the Keira Knightley one.  I’m talking about the original 8 hour BBC version with Mr. Darcy, played by Colin Firth before he was Colin Firth.  And by the way, he will always be Mr. Darcy in my eyes.  So maybe it’s a cliche cat lady thing to do, essentially naming your cats after characters from classic literature.  I don’t really care though.  They give me something to focus my energy on.  When I’m single and alone, sometimes I will just let myself go, or I’m dating someone, and I don’t put me first and I focus everything on them.  So having pets again has given me a little bit of purpose, a little bit of distraction and lots of warm cuddling purs.  And I think they are pretty happy too.  Just us girls. img_3908

Today was a day I have needed for a long time.  Lots of chic movies, lots of kitty purs, plenty of time for self reflection, and a little vino to round out the weekend.  I am still missing Joe but not as much as when I was with E.  I did send Joe a message a week ago, expressing my desire to just be friends.  I figured with how he is, he would need at the very least, a week or two or three to process everything.  I had hoped that I would hear from him but that’s my heart hoping.  My head has been on repeat that he’s never coming back, even as a friend.  I mean I guess I can’t force the guy to be my friend, or talk to me, or declare his profound love for me.  If only, I could get my way this time.  Instead I feel a little lost but I know I am finding my way back, it’s getting better.  It’s just going to take time.  In the meantime, I have tried to run into him a few times.  All failed attempts.  Maybe it really is true… Love will find you when you stop looking.  And that’s just generally speaking.  Joe knows where to find me and he’s not, so that’s my answer.  The moral of the story is I just need to stop looking for Joe to come back, for a new guy to replace him… just focus on me, the kitten loves, and have some good times with friends.

I watched ‘How to be Single’ today for like the tenth time.  But it just rings true to my core.  Not only for myself, but maybe some truth for Joe too.  So I leave this for you to ponder…

“I’ve been thinking that the time we have to be single, is really the time we have to get good at being alone.  But how good at being alone do we really want to be? Isn’t there a danger that you’ll get so good at being single, so set in your ways, that you’ll miss out on the chance to be with someone great?

Some people take baby steps to settle down. Some people refuse to settle at all. Sometimes it’s not statistics, it’s just… chemistry.  And sometimes just because it is over, doesn’t mean the love ends.

The thing about being single is, you should cherish it. Because in a week, or a lifetime of being alone, you may only get one moment. One moment when you’re not tied up in a relationship with anyone, a parent, a pet, a sibling, a friend. One moment when you stand on your own. Really, truly single. And then, it’s gone.”

So I am cherishing it, waiting for my moment.  I am a noble fir.

Goodnight, beautiful.




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