New Year, New Beginnings

This week’s stats:

Douchebags to add to the list:  1

Possible new chapter with Joe:  95% chance

Level of work stress:  about 112%

Excited for a new year:  200%

Christmas came and went without much fanfare.  It was an interesting weekend.  I spent Friday night with Michael, who proceeded to get completely hammed and professed his love for me.  Mind you, we had known each other for two weeks.  I really have never felt so trapped or out-of-place, being with someone and hearing, “I love you.”  Because I knew he didn’t even know who he was saying it to.  I mean he said my name at least, but I could have been anyone.  He was so drunk and I just wanted to go to sleep.  It made me miss the one that I do love, and I wanted to be anywhere else.  He was so blacked out, piss drunk, that he was walking in his sleep at 3 am and pissed in the corner of the bedroom.  Nice.  (Also, wouldn’t be the first time unfortunately…  7 year had a childhood sleepwalking problem that was exasperated when he was blacked out drunk and he would piss in the closet/corner of bedroom/poinsettia plant that one Christmas Eve… So note to self, run from any dude that pisses anywhere but the bathroom/outdoors when schnockered).  I told him the next morning that he had professed his love for me and pissed on the floor.  He denied the floor pissing but whatever you have to tell yourself dude…. It was actually sweet, he said, “Well I’m gonna love you someday” and we laughed it off, had some still drunkish/hangover morning booty.  So Christmas Eve day he was so completely hung over, that he didn’t get out of bed until 3.  The plan was I was going to go home, he was going to get up, finish his Christmas shopping and come to my place to watch the football game.  The game started at 1:30 and around 3:30, he finally called me to say he wasn’t going to make it.  No duh…  So I left and headed to my parent’s.

Spent Christmas Eve night with the fam, watched my all time favorite Christmas movie, talked to my best friend while she was drunkenly crying on the phone (what are besties for though?  I’ve sure enough done it to her plenty of times.  We are always there for each other, no matter how irrational it may be).  I spent Christmas day hanging out with the family, received a text message from Joe, wishing me a Merry Christmas.  I returned the sentiment, said I hoped all was well.  Moving on, I eventually went home, went to Michael’s house later on.  I gave him his gift, he didn’t have mine yet…  In hindsight, I should have hung on to that gift until it was reciprocated.  I spent the night and just as we were going to leave for brunch the next morning, he had to go help a friend that suddenly called.  Of course in my crazy head, I thought that maybe it wasn’t true, like he had texted his friend to call with an emergency… I mean I’ve done it in dire situations before.  I didn’t think that things were dire, but fast forward a couple of days and I guess they were.  Coincidentally, that morning he had casually mentioned his ex girlfriend had called him on Christmas, and he had picked up because, well it was Christmas (not like I could really criticize him, since I had done the same effing thing 12 hours earlier…).  She said she wanted to be friends.  Yeah uh huh because who hasn’t innocently tried that ploy to get back together with their ex.  Mmm hmm.  Anyway, he was supposed to come over later on Monday.  He didn’t, said he was busy hours after he was going to call me.  Then, crickets.  I confronted him about it a couple nights later.  Like hey dude, I’m noticing you pulling back, so what is the deal because I’m not going to waste too much thought on this, much rather just be direct about it.  He just responded, said he’s been busy, and sleeping a lot.  Uh huh.  Whatevs dude.  And I haven’t heard from him since.  He blocked me on the dating app a few days after he said things were “fine” and not to worry.  Once I saw that, I texted him and said something like, “wow, thought you were different.  I don’t know what I did, if anything.  You’re a dick, so Happy New Year to you.”  And his number is now blocked on my phone.  Probably not the most mature or my finest moment, but whatever.  Christmas was better than last year, but just kind of so-so at this point.

And by the way, ghosting is such a shitty, cowardly thing to do.  If you’re not into someone, then just fucking say it.  Why is it people are so afraid to say what they mean/feel?  Just say it.  It may be hard and the other person may be upset, but I’d much rather hear that, then just wonder and end up having you casually message me months later like NOTHING HAPPENED.  Pffffffft.  I mean, let’s not talk about how we don’t want to play the dating games, and then play the worst of all.  The magical disappearing act.  It’s not magic.  You’re just an asshole missing a set of balls.

Fast forward a couple of hours on Monday night (day after Christmas)… Joe texted me, asking how things were going to start.  Then the texting continued for three hours.  We planned on going on a hike on New Year’s Eve day.  So we met at the trailhead  on Saturday morning and it felt like we picked up where we left off.  I mean, it wasn’t awkward and the conversation flowed like it always had.  It was a couple of hours into the hike when we were sitting at the river with our snacks, when Joe said something like, “But you want more than just being friends…. Sorry for being blunt.”  I pointed out that we are past the point of  worrying about being direct with one another, we can have an honest conversation.  We have had many…  I didn’t really say anything else at the time.  We were walking back and I debated on saying anything for about 30 minutes.  I finally got the balls and just spit it out, “You were right when you said I want more, because I do.  We have a good time together, and I have missed you.  I want you back.”  So the conversation continued from there, he said he had missed me too, had thought about me more than he should have given the circumstances.  He has tried to figure out what love is, what it all means.  He has realized that he doesn’t actually want to be alone, he wants to build a life with someone (hopefully me).  This is sort of all things that have been said between us in the past, but I think he’s been really digging deep lately.  We both admitted our mistakes.  He said he was sorry.  The hike ended.  It was a good morning.

And I know what you may be thinking… It is (was) complicated, because I was just dating someone else about five minutes before.  Quite honestly though, even if Michael hadn’t been the dick that he was, I still would have been honest with him about the situation.  It is Joe that I want. So maybe that makes me a hypocrite, dating one guy, getting mad at him for ghosting me, meanwhile planning hikes with my ex and hoping he wants me back…  Whatever.  I’ll own it.

We went to lunch at this horrible pizza place in small town, Granite Falls.  The “tv room” had chairs that I remember sitting in around my grandmother’s table, disco lights, a tv that was positioned so nobody could actually watch it, strange couches with throw pillows that didn’t match anything and were too low for the tables, some Greek mural with a picture of Chris Pratt in the corner, and then all sorts of taxidermy deer/elk heads with arrows through their necks.  We figured that pizza would be safe, but the menu in itself was even strange.  Almost all of the pizzas had feta cheese.  I love feta, but it was weird…  Anyhoo, so we had some pizza and beer, talked about what our NYE plans were.  I was supposed to go with a friend to a low-key house party, which was suddenly changed to a comedy club in downtown Seattle with us crashing at our guy friend’s creepy house.  I wasn’t all that psyched anymore…  Maybe I’m just getting old or I am lame, but I’d much rather keep NYE chill, than go big, deal with the masses, pay double than normal, and then sleep on someone’s couch.  It’s fucking amateur night, go out the next weekend.

Anyway… Joe said I could call him later in the day to see what his plans were for NYE.  So I called, and ended up going to his house to celebrate the new year with him and his best friend that had just come back into town from a work trip and the wifey was visiting family in the midwest.  We ended up all getting pretty hammered and it was snowing outside.  It was a good night.  We watched the fireworks at the Space Needle on tv.  There wasn’t any chance of a midnight kiss or anything.  His friend was there and we were all sitting apart, so it would have been strange…  I sure wanted that kiss though.  So his friend left and then it was just us.  He asked if I wanted to sleep in the guest room.  Which was already something I was thinking and had promised my bestie I would do (of course after she said I never listen to her and told me not to be dumb, uber home… I would have if it wasn’t for all the snow and getting in some strange uber driver’s prius to go home).  Anywa, if we had any chance of getting back together, I didn’t want to just drunkenly jump right back into things and possibly mess it up before things even started.  Of course, that didn’t stop me from trying to keep him with me in the guest room for about 10 seconds.  I apologized and let him leave.  I wanted to be in his bed so badly but I behaved myself.  Maybe he wanted me too but it’s probably best that nothing happened.  I woke up the next morning  and looked outside.  It had snowed a few inches overnight and the roads were iced over.  So I was kind of stranded there.  I waited to hear him moving around the house, before I got up.  Eventually, he went downstairs and I followed a few minutes later.

We talked for a little bit, got coffee, talked some more.  Pretty much, we decided that we are going to try dating again.  Hoping to take it slow, keep it easy.  Time will only tell.  So that’s where we are currently.  I’m trying to keep my crazy together, and not go there.  I know I will hear from him.  He needs to put in some effort, and I need to see that.  If he doesn’t put in the effort, then we are no better off than before and this will never work. My hopes are high though.  And I really don’t care what others may say.  I know we have been through some shit, that he’s been shitty to me, and to be fair, I’ve been shitty to him too.  But the way I feel about him and the fact that the feeling isn’t going away, I have to give it another shot.  I have to.  And maybe we will just end up going back to nothing and walking away once and for all.  I am not going to think of that though.  I am going to focus on what could go right, not all the things that could go wrong or the mistakes of the past.  I am optimistic in the new year.

Love isn’t always easy nor perfect.

xoxo

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